I had a dream last night. More like a nightmare, and I can't take it anymore;
There are mirrors on the walls everwhere. I see myself everywhere, but I just can't seem to wrap my head around the situation. They all look like me, but not exactly. I am shell shocked and shaking, I know I look horrible, disgusting even. But the mirrors show me laughing, and smiling. I almost feel taunted by these reflections of myself. I don't understand how this could be. I tell them to stop laughing, cause really, it's not funny. But nothing happens so I say it again louder, to stop, cause it's not funny. There's nothing funny about being laughed at by yourself. I pound on the mirrors till they break. But they're still standing there, laughing, smiling. It gets worse, they surround me and I can't move. They just laugh, and it's not normal. I look at them again and they start to cry. And now they're screaming at me as if I've wronged them (myself). And they're appearance starts to change. They have my old dark brown hair again instead of my jet black hair. All my old scars start to materialise on their arms. I look tired and much older. And just like that all my reflections are gone like dust in the wind. But I can't seem to shake the feeling of self betrayal.
I don't know myself anymore. This post is important to remind me of who I am. I am not this girl who you see everyday. I have hit all time lows this year. I'm finding it harder and harder to remove my mask. So here I am now, I know it's not much to post this on something as unpersonal as a BLOG but I'm doing this slowly. I'm too much of a coward to say it to people's faces. So this is me, Kathleen Bernadette Leong. I don't find it funny anymore. I'm not a joke anymore. I am quiet, but I mask it by talking to loud. I am scared but I mask it by laughing and smiling and hitting you. I feel like crying but I mask it by pretending to yawn. I bruise, I bleed, I fall, I break and I scream. I constantly feel small when I think of the world outside my front door. That's what I am. I am angry, at the world and at myself. I am not social, I am not brave, I am not confident, I am not strong. I am scared, I am weak, and I've had enough of being someone I am not. I want to move on from what I was, I don't want to keep my mistakes secret. So I'll come right out with it, I am destructive to myself and others. I constantly bring others down because I want to build myself up with their broken pieces. And I destory myself, I cut myself cause I just want to bleed my regrets out. That's me, and it's not funny anymore. I won't suffer, be broken, get tired or wasted. At least not anymore. This is a big fuck you to humanity as a whole. So here I am, hate me all you want, cause believe me, I hate you too.